When Trying to Be Liked Pushes People Away (How to Shift)
Last time, I wrote about the freedom that comes when we stop trying to prove ourselves and instead, give ourselves permission to be who we are without apology. If you missed it, read Nothing to Prove.
Our need to be accepted doesn't just affect how we feel about ourselves. Sometimes, without realizing it, it affects the very relationships we're trying so hard to build.
Have you ever been around someone who seems to be working really hard to make you like them, but instead of feeling drawn to them, you find yourself wanting a little distance? I've noticed this occasionally in my own relationships.
When someone seems overly concerned with making a good impression, or trying to be who they think I want them to be, I start to feel uncomfortable. The interactions feel sticky from an underlying need. And it seems like they have put me on a pedestal with too much power, which forms an invisible hierarchy.
Sometimes I'm the one putting others on a pedestal when, for some reason, I believe I need their approval. Perhaps I've decided they are better than me (more this, less that), so I work overtime to make them like me.
An unbalanced dynamic can't bring about a true relationship because one or both people are acting on false beliefs.
When I've assigned myself to the "bottom" of the hierarchy, I become a people-pleasing chameleon instead of showing my true self. While I'm busy performing, the person on the pedestal will eventually disappoint me because they are human and were never meant to have the power to assign my value.
When I'm the one wrongly elevated to the pedestal, I don't get the chance to know the other person authentically, because they're too busy trying to become who they think I want them to be. It's too much pressure to be put in charge of someone else's self-esteem.
To be friends with someone, I have to know who that person is, not watch her tap dance around me. I want to see the real person, not a performance.
We all want to be liked, loved, accepted, and valued. Those are normal human desires. But when we need someone else's approval to feel good about ourselves, we may say or do things that have the opposite effect of what we truly want.
We try harder. We work to please. We watch for signs of approval. We may even change how we act or what we say to avoid disappointing them.
Without realizing it, we turn a relationship into a performance, with the other person serving as our audience and judge.
That's a lot of pressure to put on any relationship.
What We Need to Give Ourselves
There's a difference between enjoying someone's approval and needing it to feel worthy. There's also a difference between asking a friend for support and asking them to provide something that ultimately has to come from God, or from within us (or both).
Someone can encourage us, reassure us, and remind us of our good qualities. Those things matter. But no amount of approval from another person can permanently resolve an internal belief that we're not good enough. That's an inside job.
If we don't believe in our own worth and don't do the inner work, we'll keep needing more and more reassurance from the people around us. It's a bottomless search and an exhausting cycle for everyone involved.
The harder we try to get that reassurance, the more pressure the other person may feel. And the more pressure they feel, the more distance they may need.
We end up creating the very opposite of what we wanted: instead of feeling closer, we feel more disconnected. The person we've given too much power may ultimately decide to stop pursuing what could have been a meaningful connection.
When Our Need for Approval Becomes Someone Else's Burden
I've been thinking about a new friend I was excited to get to know. Our last several interactions have caused me to step back from what I had hoped would be a good friendship.
She praises me often while discounting her own abilities. She seems nervous or rushed around me and she apologizes a lot, like she's a burden. It just seems like we're talking through a veil. Nothing feels completely real, and I don't feel at peace when I am with her.
I'm with her, but I'm not actually getting to know her, because we're not showing up as equals. Instead, I feel pressured to reassure her often because she acts like she's inferior.
I recognize this because I've done it myself.
I started out young, trying so hard to earn my parents' approval and feeling inadequate to do so. I turned that need toward teachers, coaches, friends, and employers. I excelled to make it easier for people to like me.
It never occurred to me that I was inherently likeable without having to perform for acceptance.
It's easier to notice this pattern in someone else rather than in ourselves. But I've worked on my own personal development for so long that I have come to know these things about myself, which allows me to more quickly spot it in others.
And still ... Some things are easier to know than do!
Practicing how to show up well in a relationship can remain just that, a practice.
When we're "on the bottom," maybe we tell ourselves we're just trying to be nice, keep the peace, or build a relationship. And sometimes we are.
But if it's not working like we hoped, it's worth asking ourselves some uncomfortable questions:
Are we sharing who we are, or adjusting ourselves to get the response we want?
Are we enjoying the relationship, or worrying about whether the other person likes us enough?
Are we speaking our truth, or saying what we think will earn us acceptance?
We Have to Stop Asking Others to Prove Our Worth
Our sense of worthiness can't depend on how other people respond to us.
Some of that grounding comes from learning to recognize our own value, even when we're not everyone's cup of tea. For those of us who look to God for guidance and reassurance, faith is a huge source of stability that isn't dependent on another person's opinion.
We can appreciate encouragement without requiring it. We can enjoy being liked without needing everyone to like us. And we can let other people be themselves, too.
Not everyone will understand us, and we won't connect deeply with everyone we meet. That's okay.
When we're comfortable enough with ourselves to accept these truths, we can approach relationships with more curiosity and less pressure. We can stop trying to manage someone else's opinion of us and start paying attention to whether we genuinely enjoy one another.
Perhaps one of the greatest gifts we can give a relationship is to stop trying so hard to make it what we think it should be. We can show up as ourselves, let the other person do the same, and see what grows between us.
The goal isn't to become someone everyone likes.
The goal is to like ourselves well and become comfortable enough in relationships that neither person has to pretend to be someone else.
Does today's meditation resonate with you? Please share your voice in our FTG Readers Group on Facebook. Your hopes, thoughts and dreams matter to me.
